It's only been four or five weeks since I started school, and yet it seems as though it's been forever. My time has been loaded up with homework assignments that make me cry, yet at the same time expand and blow my mind, I have discovered that I am capable of things that I didn't know I could accomplish, and I also have set very high goals for myself.
This last week was winter break and I finally got to come home and see my family, it's so weird coming back and seeing things that were once so familiar now being something almost foreign. My room seems to be extremely empty and then I stop and think....WOW I should have done this ages ago you have so much more space when you live in two places! :-P I loved being back and seeing the family, no offense to my sister, but sometimes you just can't beat the parent's cooking. I missed my dog too, I forgot how warm and cozy it was having my dog sleep under the blankets with me at night.
It took me the entire week to get all my homework assignments done, but I finally reached a point where I felt the weight lifted. All week I've had the list of assignments weighing over my head haunting me with their shadow as I've gone through the everyday motions at work and home. It reminds me of those commercials advertising Blue Cross Blue Shield, I think, where the man (or woman) is followed around by a hospital bed until they get a check-up with their doctor. I felt my assignment planner slapping me in the face every once in a while.
I know that there were times where I questioned whether I was enough, questioned whether I just wanted to quit or not, I questioned whether I would even get half of it done. I also remember thinking...I am going to fail and I am going to be ashamed of how poorly I do this semester....God I don't have what it takes to be a teacher, are you sure about this??? I can't do this... Then I realized that I had been smart a couple months ago and posted a sticky note on my laptop computer with these two verses:
Psalm 90:2 - "Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever You had formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, You are God."
Colossians 3:15 - "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful."
I gotta tell you, God is an amazing God. I look back at this week and I think, wow God was and still is so faithful, I look back at all that I was able to accomplish and how much I learned, plus I ended up having a couple days to spare! I can take those days to just chill and relax in his abounding love. We certainly are blessed to have a God whose number one priority, like a parent, is his children!
Just when I seem to think I know how God works, he always surprises me. Even with the most simplistic of things. Even when I think I can't grasp a hold on anything on my life, I forget, but he patiently reminds me that he is holding out his hand and saying, "Grasp hold of my hand and you will never be in want of anything, you don't have to fear because I am here."
Psalm 23- "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Jeremiah 31:3-6 - "The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful. Again you will plant vineyards on the hills of Samaria; the farmers will plant them and enjoy their fruit. There will be a day when watchmen cry out on the hills of Ephraim, ‘Come, let us go up to Zion,to the Lord our God.’ ”
I walk around campus sometimes and see all the people walking with me or around me, I see their many different faces, some expressions I see are so hard and solemn, some sad and distant, others may be happy, but seconds later they are serious and solemn again, and it makes me wonder how similar must their lives and stress levels be to mine or how much more? Also, how many of them know their creator and all that he offers?
God puts us in places where he can work most, I didn't see it at first, because I got caught up in myself, but God places me in circumstances where he can use me to help his children find his loving grace, and this school may be a part of his plan. I am being taught how to be a teacher, not just by my professor's, but by the almighty teacher of love. Happy Valentine's Day world, you have the most wonderful lover....and he offers you more than flowers and chocolate.
John 3:16-17 - "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved."
I love this verse! I love it when it says "begotten son," because it wasn't God's "one and only son" it was a son that he drew out of himself, he sent down a part of himself in the form of baby who would grow up and die for us. Would I be willing to do that for people who denied me and rejected me? Would you dear reader?
And now, the words that always empower me when I feel the world beating me down:
Romans 8: 35-39 - "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."